Monday, January 27

Over the past few days i've been mainly tidying my room, and it had taken me two days nearly. It is now in pristine showroom condition, the mugs dont even get time to gather dust at the moment either. I'm not sure how long it will last.. most probably within a week it will be back to chaos but hey ho!

Finished watching The Lost Prince on BBC1, Stephen Poliakoff's stuff is always good (well with a couple of exeptions in the early eighties) and this didn't disapoint. Then I went to the cinema with M to watch The Gangs of New York I wasn't sure about it when I agreed to go, but once I got into it I enjoyed it, a couple of really annoying continuity errors and that kind of stuff normally doesn't bother me so they were massive howlers! But I wont say cause it would give too much away really. I think one of the reasons I enjoyed the film is I knew nothing about it.. I hadn't seen a trailer, a interview or even a review. I didn't know anything and the film was able to surprise me because of it.

posted by travis  # 03:06

Friday, January 24

I'm feeling more normal now.. but only just.. I've got to go to the GP and get some head messing pills. Worse than that however i'm not allowed to drink anymore, well not in any big fashion anyhow. Its not that i'm an alcoholic or anything but i was developing a dependency and its best to cut that kind of thing out straight away.

One good thing about going crazy ever so often is a good way of getting rid of people in your life that don't deserve much time. I'm normally a pretty good judge of character but recently i've let my guard down a little, and some people have got passed the net and progressed from casual mates to good friends. Its like my quality control has been off or some thing!

So i've been acting like an idiot in the past few months. I making up for it now, i've sorted my study area out i'll be back at uni next week and i'm going to treat it like a job now.. I know I might not keep it up but if I go in with the right objectives again who knows!

posted by travis  # 05:18

Monday, January 20

ok I was starting to feel a little better until I got a text from a "friend" well quite a close one really saying i'd been bad mouthing her and she didn't want people like me in her life... now the thing is I havn't been saying anything. Its teenage nonsence but i want to know whats going on!

Oh well it seams my life is supposed to be freaky!

posted by travis  # 21:43

Sunday, January 19

Heres a little puzzle for you! you end up feeling low, ok low and slightly crazy so you decide its time to retire, to end it all.

You feel like a loser so you try to end it all... then you mess that up. So it doesn't work and now the only way you can prove to myself and the rest of the world i'm not a loser is to do the job properly .. itsn't that just crazy.. but then i think thats the point.

Then can I be crazy if I think I am?

I'll let you know

posted by travis  # 00:14

Wednesday, January 15

Some times I feel like the only way I am noticed is if i'm not around. I'm torn between the idea of running away from I all. I feel like the only way I can engage any emotions with anyone is to die. The only thing that stops me is the idea that i'll miss things I hate missing things. Its been quite a good defense mechanism so far but more and more I want to miss things to hide from the world around me... so thats bad
posted by travis  # 23:27

Saturday, January 11

I've been posting here drunk way too often...

I've been so selfish... she has so much to deal with right now and i've only been placing more issues in her fire.. i'm not only a fool but i'm an idiot!
posted by travis  # 02:03

Thursday, January 9

God loves his children yeah...

So I've left it too long .... things have got too confusing and now I fear my chances are over... I always do it leave it too late.. spend my time listening to Radiohad and feeling sorry for myself instead of taking control of my life....

High up above aliens hover... making old movies for the folks back home....

So now I am left knowing that the thing that could have been good is not to be, this time its really over.. there is now comeback now. no time for remorse..... must keep pushing to the next goal... for that is what makes a life.... not who we have loved or lost... but what we have done.

Wake from you're sleep....

And we all know this is not true.... what we have done pales into non sense if we don't share it but hey I lost this one, plenty more fish in the sea yeah ...... plenty

Don't loose you're nerve...

And I know unfortunatly this is true without someone to share are goals and ambitions we are lost... what is the point of winning when no one see's you

We hope that you choke....

If one thing is true it is that we really cannot stop what is coming, we are pawns and will always be, the illusions of democracy will continue. Fucking up the very thing we need to survive this stand alone planet on the alter of the almighty £$
will continue we cant stop it. We can protest till we are blue in the face but we are still fucked... we just wasted our time trying!

we know where you are....

Its time for change we all need change... but noone has any clue what to do... the current anti-cap movement is beyond a joke you cannot change a system just by proposing its removal... (and don't get me started on noami klien) we need a new Marxs a new thinker to come up with a new solution the mixed market economy is failing... people are are treated like goods , maybe with a little less respect....

Angry yes i'm angry i've lived on this rock for 25 years and all I have to look forward too is another 50 yrs (if i'm lucky) of pain toil and targets... I cannot live within this system and my only other option is to join a monestary... and as I don't believe in a judo/cath/christian god thats tricky.....

If anyone knows a way to a more fulfilling life let me know ....... i'm begging you!

posted by travis  # 18:35

Monday, January 6

Back to the hustle and bustle of university life... Today i've spent 2 hours in a lecture concerning the diminishing powers of nation states and the increasing power of the few mostly american multinational companies. After this I felt terribly rebelious and what I now accept as a stupid move I didn;t go to work .. in the week of my final assesment I didn't go in.. no call nothing.. and I feel really bad, for skipping work at a job i hate... what is wrong with me that was no rebelious act i just couldn't be bothered to take another day of there crap. I guess I always have had the need to rebel agaisnt things... I just need to work out how to rebel... hopefully as i'm studying law i'll find a good way to rebel or meet someone who has a good way and join them. I can always hope in the mean time I just have to work out a way of hiding and trying not to stand out too much.. off to starbucks then...

ps i'm no grammer / spelling snob (read the above to check that fact) but this ad in todays paper made me chuckle "carpet of cuts for sale at low low prices" I don't know about you but it dosn't appeal to me too much

posted by travis  # 21:08
I am a very tired man... spent all day working on assigments and stuff... apart from a large breakfast out and the occasional phone call... the worst bit is all I have to show for it is 3500 words that still need a damn good proof! o well only another 10,000 words to go by the 12th of febuary and I can start on revision.

I've decided to leave the my job and try and coast until the summer hopfully I can pick up a hardship grant or somthing but working 19 hours a week with another 19 ish of lecures and reading means i'm pretty much burning that candle at both ends and a little bit in the middle.

I have though managed to line up some good summer work experience, I have a couple of good contacts at some good firms here and a pending offer to work in miami for a media/criminal firm for a couple of months, of course subject to visa and getting the right grades.

posted by travis  # 01:12

Saturday, January 4

I'm waiting for food to be delivered... chinese mmm.

I hate it when people dominate my thoughts, I mean in that kind of every second of every day type thing.. Its happening alot recently. I really think i'm in love but I think its somthing that would/should never happen. The worst bit is I didn't start all this, she did but then we don't seam to know what to do... somtimes I get the impression she's playing mind games but thats only when I havn't seen her for a while. When I spend time with her it all seams OK maybe its my own lack of self confidence either way I have to deal with it and soon before I go crazy.
posted by travis  # 21:38

Friday, January 3

Ok my new years resolution last year was not to make any new years resolutions. It was nice and easy to stick to but now i'm starting to wobble a little bit so i've come up with a third way type solution. I am going to make a list of ten things that are wrong in my life. You see this way I can acknowledge the faults without making any commitment to doing anything about them, and at the same time feel like i'm doing somthing for the new year!

1. (not really in order but a little I guess) My job, I hate working part time in a call center, but I also hate working in pubs/bars, shops and any position that puts me in the face of the public...

2. My love life... ok i've been seeing a few people but no one i've actually really loved or anyting... and for the first time in years i've met somone that I actually like (maybe even love) but its terribly complicated thats a shame.

3. My room / house its a dump i'm not very good at keeping things in order... I go round to see my mates and they all seam to have either minimist stylish pads that could grace the cover of any style magazine or funky bohemian places... mine is a strange combination that ends up looking more like I fashioned it on the sets of steptoe and son.

4. Spelling ( see above for details ) I do well on the theory stuff and (without blowing my own trumpet) am very good at the advocacy/debate type stuff, I just wish my assigments didn't need a team of proof readers and 20 rewrites...

5. Health / Weight... I've put a couple of pounds on... along with the rest of the world it seams! Oh and i've got tooth ache!

6. I watch to much TV...

7. errrrrrr well thats about it... sad isn't it.

posted by travis  # 22:48

Wednesday, January 1

After a three month break i'm back to blog again can't say i'll be posting daily just when I feel the need... I enjoy doing this thing but found it hard when people were reading it all the time because I felt obliged to entertain or whatever... this time I am going to be selfish.

Most of the guys at uni are still pricks.. but then they are only 17/18 so what can I expect.. I am however lucky to have met someone who I click with. She's just about as screwed up as me, but without me getting all soppy theres a little bit of a love thing going on.. just not sure how much of a thing at the moment, we are really best mates and she is 1000 times better than I deserve so I would never have done anything if she didn't make the move... its a crazy world for sure!

Still working for centrica.. but I feel that may be coming to an end soon... i'm just not good enough at selling things to every person that comes through to me complaining about the poor service they recieved on the product they were talked into last time they rang...

I've just watched "billy elliot" and it made me cry... but I'm reading stupid white men and thats making me laugh so its ok... well actually its making me cry but out of fustration at the way the whole world is getting slowly messed up.. john o'farrell's global village idiot is however making me smile and laugh outloud.
posted by travis  # 22:57


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